It Is Time To Leave?

February is here, and hearts are tender. 

I don’t know if it is just how our culture pushes one shape of perfect love in its commercialization of Valentine’s, or something about the depth of late winter, but I’m hearing a lot of women questioning “How do I know if it is time to move on? Staying is hard, but leaving would be harder.”

In all of the stories I am hearing, the impulse to leave is not heart inspired, but rather a push from close friends, family or maybe even a therapist – people who care, people who have her best interests at heart.

The truth is close relationships can be hard.  They are the work of the heart.  There’s only so deep we can go if we close off every time things get hard.  And relationships can seriously hurt us if we’re not careful with our hearts.  How do we know how to navigate such dangerous territory? 

***My disclaimer: If you can manage at least the minimum of your financial, physical and emotional responsibilities, there is no need to make a quick and drastic change to a relationship.  If your relationship is an obstacle to your responsibilities to yourself and others, you either need critical support to stay in or get out of the relationship***

Our culture has almost but abolished community love and placed all of the needs of each individual adult on to the shoulders of a married partner.  And painted a very sunny but limited picture of what that relationship should look like.  And that is a recipe for disaster for all intimacy.

Your heart will tell you in very clear terms if you are done with the relationship.

When the heart does not give a clear answer, the question we need to be asking is what are my needs?  In what ways can I get these needs met through multiple sources?  How can my heart be overfilled so that I am constantly drinking love no matter what happens to any one being?  When your heart has love coming in from all directions, it can speak more clearly.  When you are nourished, you’ll be better able to hear it. 

Whether you stay or go, you need community love. 

And while it is true that most humans, let alone groups, don’t know how to offer nourishment and love – if you begin by being clear with what your heart is needing, you are far more likely to find a community that is able to love you.

If connecting with what you need or reaching out for community feels hard, it is time to give yourself support.  You deserve to feel all that life has to offer.  For more about how I support women who have experienced the pain of abandonment and betrayal please visit my “Working with Me” page.