Self-Sabotage: Why Is Healing So Hard?

I don’t believe in Self-Sabotage. 

It makes no sense to me that we would have evolved or been created by divinity with a self destruct feature. 

And yet, once again, I have found myself resisting another opportunity for healing.  My business coach offers a virtual healing retreat every two months, with the pre-work meticulously organized into simple bite sized pieces, and just sitting for 12 minutes and focusing was too much yesterday.  I heard the recording but I just couldn’t listen.

I know very well it isn’t just me.  One of my biggest responsibilities in my work is supporting women in being able to make their sessions because once the healing begins, the no-shows and cancellations and reschedules begin. 

But I don’t believe in self-sabotage.  Yes, people often act in ways that may seem counterintuitive to how our culture dictates they should act and strive to “better” themselves.  I should be grateful to have such a wonderful healing opportunity, and by being grateful, I mean, forcing all of my effort into the practice such that I get as much healing as I can…you can see how ridiculous that is! 

I believe those acts are out of self love and self preservation – not sabotage.  Life is far harder than we acknowledge.  We are far more emotionally and neurologically malnourished than we can comprehend. 

Healing requires a vulnerability that we rarely have the support we need to allow.  

Trauma can take us into a neurological and physiological“frozen” state (as in fight, flight or freeze) which is adaptive in times of intense danger – don’t make a sound and don’t move and the predator won’t see you.  It isn’t self sabotage, it is self preservation. 

If that strategy is successful once, of course it makes sense that our body hard wires that pattern.  Safety is our brains’ number one priority – even though these patterns literally hurt physically and emotionally when they become chronic, being alive is better than anything else. 

The traumas that trigger these do not have to be car accidents, mass shootings or domestic violence.  For humans, which physiologically require social connection, the possibility of abandonment is enough for these patterns to activate for many of us.  Me included.

We are like water.  Water can be quite wild and unpredictable.  Icebergs can cause incredible damage.  Ice thawing in frozen pipes can burst through copper and flood your whole basement in minutes.  Steam can burn, leaving horrifically painful scars.  Trying to change and heal too quickly, too forcefully can really wreak havoc on your body, mind and heart.  Too much too soon will at best trade freeze for fight and flight.  

Physiologically, healing support and gentleness is from loving human connection that accepts us as we are.  You may have heard of the vagus nerve, or maybe the social engagement system – this is the physiological system that allows healing to happen, but only when we are in a safe social dynamic.

Our deepest selves know we must go gently and with support.  If we don’t have that, we will keep ourselves safely frozen, unseen and unheard, even if it means making choices that seem counter-intuitive, like “self-sabotage.” 

When you seem to be choosing not-healing, by not showing up for what “should” be good for you, or zoning out when you “should” be focusing, it is time to ask, how can I nourish myself more?  How can I call in more support? 

Please focus on the baby steps you can take.  There have been times in my life where I really couldn’t trust anyone – trust has to be earned, and after living through trauma, you need to go day by day, breath by breath.  Nothing was coming from the healing and therapeutic work I was doing because I couldn’t get into that physiological trusting connected state.  I had to start finding that loving and trusting connection within myself before being ready to welcome other support. 

Learning to feel the love and trust you have for yourself is the foundation of embodiment healing.   If you feel this maybe the missing piece on your inner journey, please check out my “Working with Me” page for more information on how I support women who feel stuck in the pain of abandonment or betrayal.