Letting the Love In

I got swept up into an overwhelm this week.

We had another flood in my apartment – the third in six weeks – on top of a number of other issues for the landlord to deal with that impacted both my ability to use the space and my health.

And I was really freaking swept up in the chaos of it all – anxious, unable to focus my attention, heart palpitations. 

And yet, people live for weeks, even months with their homes under renovations.  I have moved more than 40 times in my 46 years.  I lived in an ashram in India on and off for 5 years.  Why did this feel so much more challenging?

There’s a lot of goodness – unexplainable goodness in my life.  I am blessed in ways that I could have never dreamed – and yet this unexpected and repeated upheaval in my home was destabilizing me and I wasn’t feeling the love.  

I’ve heard the same thing from so many of the women I have worked with over the years, where any expression of pain and discontent comes with an apology and disclaimer that they do see the goodness in their lives too.  And, like it used to be for me, there’s a shame that they don’t feel that goodness.

How do we learn to let love in?

We definitely can’t shame ourselves into feeling the love.

First we need to accept that all of the love in our life won’t feel like “love.”  Because in self-preservation, our bodies will prioritize safety over “love.”    And like a mamma who yells and yanks their toddler out of the way of a vehicle, sometimes that self-love preservation is harsh, but it works. 

All of the hate and the other love in the world can not stop a mamma bear from keeping her cubs safe.  (and, sometimes mothers can smother and need help to step back and let their babies spread their wings – but that’s a whole other article).

Love isn’t just a starry gazed look deep into your eyes.  That part of you that feels lack, that feels irritated, that feels that something must change is love too.

And we still deserve the easy kind of love that sparks in our heart.  The kind of love that “love languages” try to capture.  The kind of love that makes everything look brighter.  The kind of love that softens our bodies and inspires us throughout the day.  

How do we get more of that love – when we can see love in our lives but don’t feel it?

A wise coach I work with (my business coach, who is also a Sufi healer) Mark Silver has encouraged me when I bring these big questions to him, to find the tiny little places where things do work and lean into those.  When do I really feel love?

Or find the places that do not work and go the opposite direction.  When do I not feel love? That self-preservation, inner mamma bear love will let you know the places that do not work.

The landlord fixing the leaking pipe but leaving a 6 foot hole – a dangerous situation for my cats – does not feel like love.  It took hours to booby trap the space, leaving it completely unusable,  in case my wildy-beasts breached my blockade (which of course they did, because they are cats).

My boss, who showers words of authentic affection on me every time we meet, as nice as it is, doesn’t spark my heart.  Yes, I can’t believe it – don’t we all long to be appreciated for our contributions?  I take it in, and am grateful, and it doesn’t spark my heart.  Too much wounding there maybe.

My kiddo grabbing my mask as they grab their own, without me asking them as we rush out the door late makes me ooey gooey mushy hearted. 

Being cared for and having some of my mental load cared for is how love gets in my heart. 

For you, maybe it is flowers or presents or words of appreciation or touch.  Maybe different people doing different things are going to be needed. 

Your heart is a sacred mystery that takes some effort to open – of course it does.  How could something so magical, so powerful not require a deep journey to unlock? 

In this world, it is a gift to know that you are surrounded by love and goodness – even if you can’t feel it.  That’s a freaking super-power, it really is. 

It is by magic that your heart needs its own secret offering to open up and reveal its beauty.  You are so worthy of that journey. 

With Love,
Tanya