When You Don’t Love What You See in the Mirror

In January, I was visited by some not so nice, persistent thoughts about my body. While this was my normal state of mind until my mid-thirties, I was a little surprised to be hosting them again. 

These intrusive thoughts were not very polite guests, screaming at how gross my belly and my thighs were every time I looked in the mirror. 

Fortunately, I know my thoughts often don’t reflect my truth.  I believe there was good in their intent to get my attention, and well, that was a message I wasn’t going to miss!  It worked! 

However, I also recognize objectively that there was nothing inherently unworthy about my body—or anyone else’s, for that matter.

Heading into my Somatic Experiencing™ Practitioner training at the end of January, I was curious what I would learn about these intrusive thoughts and my relationship to myself. 

Well, to be more honest, I wanted to show these guests the door and change the locks.  It is exhausting being told how ugly you are, even when you know those statements have no worth. 

One of the topics was systemic trauma and all of the ways that we can be harmed from the way laws, policies, beliefs, values and behaviors create and perpetuate the unfair, harmful and oppressive treatment of specific groups of people. 

I did not understand why, but I was aware that these body-loathing thoughts were connected to the stresses I had been feeling about my housing insecurity – how my chronic health issues limit the availability of appropriate housing, and how there’s absolutely nothing affordable available right now.

When it was my turn to receive a session, I found myself surrendering to a feeling of vulnerability where my body wanted to curl up in a fetal position.

And as I allowed my arms to hug my knees, I became aware of the sensations of my abdomen – the skin against my shirt, the movement of my muscles as I breathed.  Sensations that my brain only then had felt safe enough to heal. Sensations that my brain had apparently turned off for goodness knows how long…

The thoughts about the grossness of my belly and thighs were replaced with the delight of “I CAN FEEL!!!!  Hi Belly!  Hi Thighs!  I have missed you!” 

Years of mindfulness have never elicited such an authentic excitement about my belly.

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A truth I am learning in somatic healing is that you don’t know what you can’t feel, until you can feel it again.  I had no idea that I was not feeling the sensations from my abdomen. 

And you cannot truly love what you cannot feel.

You may think loving thoughts, but you cannot feel love for what you cannot feel. 

I share this as I know so many of us struggle with unkind thoughts towards ourselves, especially at this time of year where capitalism is pushing corporate “ideals” of love in images of white heteronormative, cis-gendered, abled-bodied, thin-bodied and middle to upper class people.

How can we feel love when the world force feeds us the lie that we are unlovable? How can we turn inward and connect to our own selves when the rat race keeps us so in fear of being without our basic needs?

An antidote to unloving thoughts is co-regulation.

Co-regulation describes the impact that people have on one another.  Our bodies have evolved so that we need one another. 

When a person (or pet) can stay in a state of calm and loving presence, we cannot help but become a little more unguarded.  And healing can only happen when we are feeling safe.

Which is why the isolation of systemic oppression is so harmful. 

While my partner was quite skilled as a somatic practitioner, the foundation of my healing experience came from the co-regulation they offered.  Even though I know as much as my partner does about the how-to of Somatic Experiencing™, I could not have had that experience on my own because the co-regulation would have been missing.

While nothing beats being together in person, co-regulation works virtually, and across time and space.  Before sitting down to write this, I got swept away watching a video of Traci Chapman performing Fast Car live.  That is co-regulation.

If you are struggling with unloving thoughts, I invite you to try being intentional about co-regulating.  Can you have a friend sit with you as you focus your awareness as you sit with those thoughts?  Do you have a pet that would sit on your lap, reminding you that no matter what you have experienced in your life, or how cruel the world can be, that there are moments of goodness too?  Is there a song or a show that allows you to feel as if all of your dreams have come true?

While it is true that we need more that sitting together and feeling good together to heal our personal and collective wounds, healing can only happen when we feel safe. Co-regulation is a great place to start falling in love with yourself (and life) all over again.

You should be your own true love.

With Love,

Tanya

P.S. If your relationship to yourself feels more like you are your own worst enemy, it is time to get support in disentangling your past experiences and conditioning from your sense of self and set some loving boundaries with your thoughts. I’d love to explore with you how I might help in a no pressure discovery call.